Durex Ad: Sandwich

Did you know I am the sex expert for Durex Singapore facebook page? Check it out here.

Media: Big, Beautiful and Proud

This article first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

Last Sunday on 14 November, a Singapore paper reported how eleven plus-sized women have put together a nude calendar to inspire other plus-sized women that their body shape does not signify the end of the world. This is a brave, encouraging and positive move by the women, by any standards.

However, if I were any of the women, I would have been highly offended by the lead (usually the first three paragraphs) into the news story: “The Health Promotion Board (HPB) is worried about the growing rate of obesity among Singaporeans. At the same time, a group of local women is celebrating – even promoting – their chubbiness with a nude calendar.”

A person is obese when he or she has a body mass index (BMI) of 30 or more. According to the latest National Health Survey last week, one out of every 10 Singaporeans (or 10.8 percent to be more specific) is obese. This is up from 6.9 percent in 2004.

It is only after eight paragraphs into the story that you hear Miss Erica Sim, who is behind the creation of the calendar saying that it is not trying to send the message that it is all right to be obese. Owner of the Big n Beautiful (B.A.B.) online shop that sells accessories and clothes ranging from size XL and 6XL, Sim was clear in saying that this was for those who remain obese even “after taking care of your diet, cutting down on junk food and sweet drinks, and also exercise”. See some of the pictures in the calendar here.

So are these calendar girls obese or plus-sized? They call themselves plus-sized. Yet the lead seems to suggest otherwise. The weight and height of each of the calendar girls interviewed was mentioned in the article. One wonders why. What I am concerned about as the reader is whether they are obese or indeed plus-sized. Either way, it is important for the journalist not to confuse the two, and unwittingly send a negative message when the story is a positive one.

People who are plus-sized are not necessarily lazy or ugly. Not all plus-sized people are shaped the way they are because they eat a lot and are not practicing a healthy lifestyle. Just like how beautiful people are not necessarily happier, nicer, more popular, more desired, or indeed more successful.

There is a fashion show with plus-sized models called The Military Mardi Gras Ball scheduled for Nov. 27. The calendar is now available for pre-order from the online shop and will be ready for collection on the day of the fashion show. I am not sure how B.A.B. will handle overseas inquiries or orders but I am certain all requests will be more than welcomed.

Song: Superwoman

What makes a superwoman? A woman who believes in herself. More importantly, one who believes she is one. You are the super hero of your life.

Music video by Gladys Knight, Dionne Warwick, Patti LaBelle performing Superwoman. (C) 1991 Geffen Records

Media: A Word about Martha

Written by Andrew Loh, the current Editor of The Online Citizen.
Posted on his Facebook under Notes on 22 Nov and reposted here with permission.

"When Ravi Philemon first told me he'd asked Martha to write for us (and that she's agreed), I was rather intrigued. I'd come across Martha's website - http://www.eroscoaching.com/ - and had wondered to Ravi if we could ask her to write for us. I didn't think Ravi would indeed go ahead and ask her.

Ravi and I met up and had lunch with Martha shortly after and she seemed rather a likeable person. I was quite happy with her outspoken manner and thought it'd be great to have her on TOC.

I am really glad Ravi approached Martha because not only do we now have a most dependable and intelligent columnist, I also have a good friend in Martha.

When her first article went up on TOC in January this year (see here: "Facebook’s bra colour campaign for breast cancer hurts more than it helps"), some eyebrows were raised.

Indeed, some called me and asked me what I was doing, allowing "sex stuff" to be on TOC. "Are you sure you want this on TOC?", "Wouldn't that compromise the integrity of TOC?".

My stand was quite simple, really: Martha's trying to do what she believes in, and she's having a hard time doing it because of the discrimination and the myopic visions of some. I explained that what she is doing is somewhat similar to what we at TOC are trying to do -- to highlight issues which some may find uncomfortable but are nonetheless important.

One blog (I won't mention which one) castigated us for "going the way of STOMP and Temasek Review" which had a sex columnist as well.

I find this rather ignorant because Martha is not a "sensationalist" sex columnist. She is a qualified, professional, practising sexologist.

It is quite different.

I knew that some of our readers would be uncomfortable with her articles but, as I told Zheng Xi (who was also quite shocked I'd allowed Martha's column on TOC), give it some time and our readers will understand.

And indeed they have - judging from the lack of disparaging comments about Martha since. (We had quite a few in the beginning, which I'd disallowed, of course.)

But not everyone was apprehensive about Martha's column. There were also those who told me she's "cool" and that her articles are awesome.

I hope Martha will continue to write her pieces even after I am gone because what she says is important, simply because hers are subjects very few would talk about but which many experience. She's had emails from women telling her how her articles have comforted and enlightened the women who read them.

And that, I feel, is what TOC does best - giving space to people who otherwise would not have it.

Thanks, Martha.. ;)

---------------

Look out for Martha's special piece next... might be useful for Christmas.. ;))

Meantime, you can read Martha's articles here: http://theonlinecitizen.com/category/eros-coaching-with-martha-lee/"

Glee, GQ and the Sexualization of Young Girls

The recently released November issue of GQ has some highly sexualized photos of select members of the Glee cast. I weigh in on the impact that a photo shoot that takes actors who play high school students on a widely popular television show has on the sexual and gender identities of young people and their sexual lives. This is just one example of MANY images that infantalize adult women and fetishize young girls. Instead of sexualizing young people (and the imitation of young girls by adult women) for the (very disturbing) pleasure of adult men, we, as a society should be supporting and cultivating healthy sexual development and exploration in youth. For more, click out here.

Review of ‘Cowboys in Paradise’

This article first appeared on Good Vibrations Magazine.

If you have been following my blog here, you may recall a previous post where I mentioned looking forward to watching an 83-minute feature film/documentary called Cowboys in Paradise.

This is a controversial work because this is the first film about what is perhaps the most well-known open ‘secret’ of Bali – their ‘Kuta Cowboys’. These cowboys are the bronzed beach ambassadors who made the island one of the worldʼs leading destinations for female sex tourists. The subject is so controversial within Indonesia that the film maker, Amit Virmani, has received hate mail and death threats. Also, when the filmʼs trailer went viral on YouTube in April of this year, the Bali Police condemned the film and temporarily arrested 28 beach boys. The men were subsequently released.

Having done due diligence in researching the film, I was already prepared for a fair, if not unbiased, representation of the cowboys. What I did not anticipate was how entertaining it would be, as well as how I learned more than a thing or two from it, and I do not mean just how this invisible ‘industry’ works. Such humorous moments included cartoon illustrations of different social situations raised by the film – one depicting the bravado of Japanese men and how their Japanese women suffer in silence (about why Bali men are popular with Japanese women); and another portraying how French women like to be romanced (on how one cowboy preferred French women). There was genuinely funny dialogue when one travel agent, who regularly arranges for female tourists to visit Bali, reported that the penises of Bali’s men are not big, but strong, while pointing to the pen he had in his hand, and finally settling on the phrase “hard as nail” as a descriptor.

The film goes on to describe what cowboys resort to in order to enhance their anatomy – essentially filing plastic slivers off a toothbrush and inserting them into the skin of their penis, which they have cut for this purpose, and waiting a few days for it to heal. One described how he also uses horses’ hair for added sexual stimulation where one might insert a ‘Prince Albert’ piercing. Then there is the ‘vagina stone’, which despairing young women who have been unsuccessful in love are encouraged to rub against their body so as to make their vagina more attractive to a man. The ‘energy’ of the stone is transferred onto the woman and many were reportedly pleased with the results. This was when I cracked up and howled with laughter.

There were no less than ten different cowboys who were interviewed, some more extensively than others. Topics include how one became a cowboy, the tricks of the trade, their thoughts about love and marriage, as well as how their family members feel about his ‘job’. The other side of the story is also covered, namely the female sex tourists who return to Bali time and again. I was struck by how one sex tourist was able to articulate her views in a mature manner in spite of her young age. Her views, however, run contrary to the more conservative Asian values, and I can see how some audience members might fail to understand her perspective and even condemn her laissez faire attitude in particular.

Incredibly, one of the cowboy’s wives went on record saying that she did not mind what her husband does for a living. As the camera stayed on her face, she flinched, and you cannot help but wonder whether she only accepts the circumstances for lack of better alternatives. The film introduced ‘Bobby’, an older man who was a cowboy, now known as ‘The Legend’. He was philosophical about life, talking about how he had traveled the world, yet returning to Bali to teach young cowboys how to surf.

A film talking about casual sexual encounters would be hard-pressed not to talk about its perils. Cowboys in Paradise takes a stab in covering how having multiple sexual partners, combined with their occasional unsafe sex practices, raises the very real concern of HIV for the cowboys. As a sexologist, I am disturbed by the sole emphasis upon HIV/AIDS and not other sexual transmitted infections, some of which are incurable. There is no talk of whether the cowboys receive sexual education, go for regular health screenings or have had other forms of STIs. Yet, I suppose if Virmani did delve further, it would make for a longer and less appetizing movie.

If you were to summarize the essence of Cowboys in Paradise, it is as simple as this: Boy meets Girl; Girl meets Boy. They develop a connection and have sex. Except here, the boys have it down to an art. They are sometimes hunted, or, at other times, the hunter, depending on how you look at it. Cowboys in Paradise depicts reality in Bali for a sub-segment of the people there. It is funny, moving, insightful at parts, and definitely entertaining. It would be interesting to watch what Virmani comes up with next. However, I already know that the next time I go to Bali, I will be keeping my eyes peeled for these beach boys.

<a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/content.jhtml?id=sexy-holiday-gifts&kbid=71485&m=116&i=706"><img border="0" src="http://affiliates.goodvibes.com/b.aspx?id=71485&mm=116&img=Love.jpg"/></a>

Video: Reteaching Gender and Sexuality

Reteaching Gender & Sexuality is a message about queer youth action and resilience. The video was generated to contribute additional queer/trans youth voices to the national conversations about queer/trans youth lives. Reteaching Gender & Sexuality intends to steer the conversation beyond the symptom of bullying, to consider systemic issues and deeper beliefs about gender and sexuality that impact queer youth. We invite you to share the video with your friends, family and networks; we invite you to share with us what THIS issue means to you!

Reteaching Gender and Sexuality from Sid Jordan on Vimeo.

Media: Sexual Anxiety

This article first appeared on The Online Citizen.

Anxiety is a normal part of life. We all have experienced anxiety at some point of our lives. In fact, anxiety is one mechanism that evolved to keep us alert and help us cope in stressful events or situations. More specifically, performance anxiety refers to self-consciousness about the quality of one’s performance that actually, in turn, decreases the quality of one’s performance.

Sexual anxiety may present itself as a form of performance anxiety. Typically, there is so much preoccupation with the anxiety itself that the person becomes less fully involved in the sexual interaction, bringing about the very failure that is feared.

Male sexual performance anxiety is usually described as when a man has trouble getting an erection. This issue is hardly ever discussed openly by men, for fear of losing their projected ‘macho’ image.

Fears of sexual performance are not limited to men. For women, it might include worries about physical responsiveness—such as the speed with which vaginal lubrication or orgasm is attained, or the length of time that lubrication or orgasm is maintained. On a broader level, anxiety can also be reflected in how much passion, tenderness, intimacy and sensitivity a person feels toward his or her partner.

Sexual anxiety may also be part of a social anxiety complex where people may feel that they are inferior to others in some important way, or where they are overly concerned about other people’s reactions. Whether sexual anxiety is part of performance or social anxiety, it can result in lowered self-esteem, avoidance of sexual encounters, relationship breakdowns and further sexual difficulties.

In this cycle, anticipation of the next sexual encounter arouses the same anxiety coupled with the memory of the previous failure and often perpetuates the problems. It might lead to an avoidance of sexual activity altogether, or at least a minimisation of the amount of sexual interaction that occurs. In turn, the partner might misinterpret the behaviour as a form of rejection. The underlying reason for avoidance is usually to save face so the person feels more in control and less guilty about being inadequate.

These are a few suggestions where anxieties revolving around sexual performance are concerned:

- The first remedy has to be communicating with your partner about what is happening. Attaining the understanding and support of your partner should reduce some of your symptoms. If you find other sexual activities that you can do in bed, this should take some of the stress off sex.

- Focus on enjoying the whole process of sexual intercourse and don’t torment yourself by thinking solely of the end result or goal – the Big ‘O’. The emphasis is on the sensations – staying in your body, remaining in the moment.

- Let go of the erroneous belief that men are always ready, willing, and able to perform sexually. Besides sexual anxiety, there might be other factors at play such as tiredness, illness, resentment, not being attracted to your partner, or just not being in the mood.

- Sexual coaching can take you from where you are at, to where you want to be. Home assignments are given where your goals are broken into smaller, achievable exercises which will help you learn how to overcome your sexual anxiety.

- Hypnosis can reduce sexual performance anxiety to promote a more relaxed and confident sense of self, optimize self-esteem, happiness and boost self confidence.

- Prescription drugs can be used to treat erectile difficulties. The medication works by enhancing nerve signals that causes nerve signals to be sent from brain to the male genital organ, which results in it becoming erect. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra or the newly launched Zydena (in Malaysia) are some of the drugs to choose from.

Lastly, sex is supposed to be un-self conscious and pleasurable. Until you let go of what you ‘ought’ to be doing, or of what is ‘right’ or ‘best’ for you or your partner, you are not going be able to enjoy the experience. We need to learn to let go of control, receive, release and feel.

—————-

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.

Media: Karen Mok’s New Release: ‘Precious’

This article first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

Karen Mok is a two-time Golden Melody Award-winning Hong Kong-based actress and singer/songwriter. In case you assume this makes it likely that she is yet another bimbo, think again. She attended the United World College of the Adriatic near Trieste, Italy from 1987 to 1989, and majored in Italian literature when studying at the University of London. Not only that, she speaks English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Italian, and French. She is Eurasian: her father is half-Chinese and half-Welsh, while her mother is half-Chinese, a quarter Iranian, and a quarter German.

Her unique style, chameleon looks, luscious hair and signature long legs have made her one of Asia’s most sought-after celebrities in advertising. Mok is also the first Asian celebrity to launch her own fragrance and lingerie lines. She currently serves as an ambassador for UNICEF, SPCA, Animals Asia Foundation and Enlighten-Action for Epilepsy.

During part of the promotional publicity for the latest release, entitled ‘Precious’, Mok was asked if she is a diva or a ‘little woman’ in a media interview. In case you didn’t know, the phrase ‘little woman’ is a literal translation from Mandarin referring to a woman who chooses to take a backseat and be the pillar of support of a man. She is the ‘wind beneath the wings’ of this man and is ideally depicted as unseen, silent, and even, at times, long-suffering. Little woman, Mok is definitely not, yet she was portraying this persona in one of her music videos. Diva? Definitely, if you read up, even a little bit, about Mok’s career.

The media, being the media, would ask questions about Mok’s depiction of a ‘little woman’ in her music videos because it is such a contrast from everything they know about her. To portray a character so completely different from who she actually is involves

1. Being comfortable in her own skin. Due to the energetic and creative demands of her job as an actress and singer/songwriter, she, of all people, would have done a lot of inner reflection on who she exactly is, what she stands for, and where she wants to be.

2. Being in touch with the other side of her that is always there, perhaps the desire (however small) to be the ‘little woman’ sometimes, including being taken care of financially, emotionally and even sexually. As women, we are a myriad of personalities and play different roles from mother, daughter, sister, lover, wife and so on. So what’s the fuss with getting in touch with the ‘little woman’ inside, too? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

3. Being willing to evolve and be different, not for the sake of being different, but because of what it means to her – self-reflection, personal growth and greater self-awareness.

4. Being able to come to terms with the questions and scrutiny, even the criticism. Freedom to be one’s authentic self involves going ahead regardless of what may come.



To be honest, I am not a follower of Karen Mok’s work. However, she is on my ‘vision board’, which is any sort of board upon which one displays various images to represent what one wants to be, do, or have in their life. About two years ago, I needed a picture to represent the ‘me’ I want to be. I chose a picture of her in pink smiling into the camera and looking like she was just about to lick some cream off her finger. I didn’t pick the image because of her celebrity status, or out of some desire to become the next Karen Mok. I chose it because it was only the picture out of the ones I shortlisted that actually evoked any positivity in me. First of all, her smile reached her eyes. She was happy. Not just happy, she looked positive, absolutely radiant and completely capable of accomplishing anything she sets her heart and mind to doing. Thirdly, she was just ‘being’. She wasn’t trying to be somebody, she just was. Alive. Being.

All of us probably need a bit of Karen Mok in our lives.

Media: ‘Cowboys’ for Rent in Bali

This article first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

A girlfriend of mine has fond memories of her dates with the men in Bali. They are sweet, romantic and good-natured. She desperately hopes to return one day. I was intrigued. What is the allure of the men of Bali?

Apparently, thousands of women travel to Bali in search of paradise each year. And many find it in the arms of ‘Kuta Cowboys’, the bronzed beach ambassadors whoʼve made the island one of the worldʼs leading destinations for female sex tourists. But mind you, the filmmaker – Singapore-based writer and director Amit Virmani who grew up in India, Indonesia, and Hong Kong – insists that these men are not gigolos or sex workers since they do not sell sex.

Virmani first got interested in the film subject after a strange conversation with a young boy in Bali. The boy was twelve years old and couldn’t wait to grow up and “sex-service” women; he wanted to practice his Japanese with Virmani.

A controversial feature film, ‘Cowboys in Paradise’ promises to get between the sheets of Baliʼs ʻholiday romanceʼ trade to reveal some of the islandʼs most closely-guarded secrets. According to its official website, this includes talking about: What separates a Cowboy from garden-variety gigolos? How do women compensate him? Why are time management skills crucial to his success? And how does his family feel about his colourful ways?

In April 2010, the filmʼs trailer went viral on YouTube, prompting Bali Police to condemn the film and temporarily arrest 28 beach boys. The men were subsequently released because it was impossible to prove that they were prostitutes. In the trailer, one wife of a Kuta Cowboy said: “When my husband’s guests come, he stays with them. For a night or two, I don’t sleep with him. I don’t mind that.”



The filmmaker appealed for the safety of those featured in the 83-minute film, insisting that criminalising the Cowboys was not the point of the film. Virmani has received his share of death threats and hate mail such as on this forum, and he questions why he has become Public Enemy Number 1 in Bali, when he was simply covering a subject that everyone knows about, and many have covered before him. He insists that this is not an anti-Indonesian film by an Indian filmmaker.

The film premiered at the DMZ Korean International Documentary Festival, and has been screened in the Asia Hot Shots Berlin Festival (October 22nd) and the Vancouver Singapore Film Festival (October 23rd). It will also play at the Brisbane International Festival (Nov 5th and 14th), as well as the Arts House in Singapore (Nov 10th – 17th).

Yours truly be attending and will be posting her thoughts very soon. So stay tuned!

Media: Revised - Sexual Terms

This article first appeared on The Online Citizen.

I was browsing through the October issue of an expat magazine recently when I chanced upon an article entitled, “Well-being and Sex”. Intrigued, I read the piece, only to come upon the sexual terms: ‘sexual transmitted diseases’, ‘impotence’ and ‘frigidity’. The author is obviously not a sexologist because these terms are passé.

In the same week, a client asked why I used the term ‘STI’ to refer to ‘sexually transmitted infections’ instead of STD. I have also dealt with journalists who have on occasions admitted that they were unfamiliar with the terms I used. Hence, I thought this is a good time to address how sexual terms have evolved with time.

Use “STI” not “STD”

Before the term “sexual transmitted disease” (STD) was used, all diseases related to the genitals were called “venereal disease” (VD). “Social disease” was another euphemism. In recent years, the term “sexually transmitted infections” (STIs) has been preferred, as it has a broader range of meaning; a person may be infected, and may potentially infect others, without showing any signs or symptoms of disease.

Also, not all STIs are transmitted through sexual intercourse. Some STIs can also be transmitted via the use of drug needles after its use by an infected person, as well as through childbirth or breastfeeding. Sexually transmitted infections have been well known for hundreds of years. “Infection” is a more encompassing word, in that it can also refer to a germ: be it a virus, bacterium, or parasite, that can cause disease or sickness in a person’s body – whether with or without symptoms. On the other hand, a disease means that the infection is actually causing the infected person to feel sick, or to notice something is wrong. For this reason, the term STI is a much broader term than STD.

Say “Erectile concerns”, not “Impotence”

The word “impotence” is a venerable term that dates back to the fifteenth century. Its literal meaning is “powerlessness” and so it possesses obvious pejorative connotations. The advent of sildenafil (Viagra), which is the first oral medication approved by the USFDA for the treatment of impotence, popularized the more recent term “erectile dysfunction” (ED).

ED is actually a common men’s health problem characterized by the consistent inability to sustain an erection sufficient for sexual intercourse, or the inability to achieve ejaculation, or both. This problem can be occasional as well as periodical. The word “dysfunction” means “function incorrectly or abnormally”.

A sexologist, such as myself, would use the words “erectile concerns” or “erectile difficulties”, as they are much gentler on the ear. Clients who come before me are distressed as it is about their condition, and there is no need to stick the knife in by telling them they are “abnormal”. Most men will have erectile concerns or difficulties at some point in their lives.

Who are you calling ‘frigid’?

In the early versions of the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association), there were only two sexual dysfunctions listed: frigidity (for women) and impotence (for men). Since then, we know that there are more to the sexual difficulties a woman can experience than the failure to have vaginal orgasms.

As such, “female sexual dysfunction” is now the blanket term that replaces the word ‘frigidity’ when referring to the inability of a woman to function adequately in terms of sexual desire, sexual arousal, and/ or orgasm. The term ‘frigidity’ continues to be used but like ‘impotence’, it is seen as an insult or a derogatory term for women. As explained above, I might use the words ‘sexual issue’, ‘sexual concern’ or ‘sexual condition’ when speaking with a client because we all have them from time to time.

You might say sexual terms are just words. What difference do they make? Indeed it does not make that much of a difference to the sexologist who is expected to know them all and reflect only positivity and support during sessions. Yet it does to the person who has that sexual condition. Also knowing and keeping up to date with the sexual terms also means you have the vocabulary to communicate clearly what you intend when you wish to.

————–

Sources :

Sexual transmitted disease.

Impotence.

Female sexual dysfunction.

————–

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.

Durex Ad: The Flying Condom

Did you know I am the sex expert for Durex Singapore facebook page? Check it out here.

Media: The Importance of Touch

This article first appeared on The Online Citizen.

Touch is the medium through which we first become acquainted with the world. It is the first means of communication between the newborn baby and the mother. Research has shown that many babies who are raised in an orphanage and are not handled and touched on a regular basis rarely live past the age of two—they literally wither away.

Some people like to touch others, and some do not. Some like being touched, yet others might not. Are you a toucher or non-toucher? Do you realise that the way your parents held you as a newborn – from the pressures, caresses, cuddles – influence the way you have developed? And the touch you received as a child through play, punishment, and bathing directly relates to your responsiveness as an adult?

Your body remembers. If you were touched often and lovingly as a child, you are much more likely to be comfortable experiencing the pleasure of your lover’s touch. If, however, your memories of being touched bring forth memories of punishment, rejection or pain, your body will inadvertently withdraw from touch, fearing further hurt. This is where you might like to seek out therapeutic approaches such as counselling or massage for physical memory healing.

It’s not uncommon for one partner to need more physical connection than the other. Studies have shown that touch can lower stress levels, lessen anxiety, and help a myriad of other physical disorders. There are noticeable changes in mood and even health when we’re exposed to simple human kindness in the form of touch.

If you yearn for physical closeness, be it a hug or a snuggle, communicate your need to your partner. If a hug is all you want, clearly communicate this. The desire for physical closeness often gets misinterpreted as a desire for sex. Misunderstandings that stem from miscommunication about how we want, like, or need to be touched does happen. Communicate, communicate, and communicate!

Also, if you desire more touch into your relationship, acknowledge that you feel less connected and want a way to spend more time touching him or her, and helping them feel loved.

Physical closeness and touching stimulates the continued growth of your loving relationships. It is the conduit between two individuals that allows them to connect as one.

You can:

* Hug and kiss each other before you leave for work, or when you return home.
* Give affection to each other during quiet moments of the day.
* Hold hands while walking down the street, watching a movie, or between courses at a restaurant.
* Shower or bathe together. (It has the dual function of helping the two of you to not only feel emotionally closer, but also become physically cleaner!)
* Ask for a massage and give one in return.
* Subtly keep your hand on your partner’s leg, or on the small of their back, to maintain a physical connection.

Touch establishes communication, and what is transmitted has more meaning than words. Touch communicates involvement. It means you care that you are really supporting the other person. Touch heals and provides emotional sustenance. So reach out and touch your partner today.

————-

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.

Sesame Street: Words Explained

David Beckham explains the word persistent.



Jon Stewart introduces the word practice.



Jason Bateman explains the word Comfort.

Labiaplasty (Hungry Beast)

Labiaplasty is the fastest growing plastic surgery procedure in English speaking countries. Watch this amazing video by Hungry Beast in Australia and see it for yourself some of the reasons why this is.

There's one part of the female body that most of us have seen more in pictures than in real life. But has censorship skewed our idea of what a normal vagina looks like? And could it be contributing to a new trend in cosmetic surgery?

We need to warn you straight up that this story contains footage of genital surgical operations that some may find confronting.

HUNGRY BEAST is an ABC TV and Web show that aired in 2009 and 2010. For more stories from HUNGRY BEAST and to see other related labiaplasty stories, visit www.abc.net.au/hungrybeast

Sesame Street Wisdom: On Love

What is Love Anyway?

Grover and a girl discuss what love is.



Elmo Loves You

In this clip, Elmo sings "I Love You!"



Signing I Love You

How to say I love you in sign language.

Flex Ad, Home Birth

Cool home birth video which is actually an advertisement.

Poem: The Mask

Always a mask
Held in the slim hand whitely
Always she had a mask before her face

Truly the wrist
Holding it lightly
Fitted the task
Sometimes, however,
Was there a shiver
Fingertip quiver
Every so slightly
Holding the mask?

For years and years and years I wondered
But dared not ask
And then —
I blundered
Looked behind the mask
To find
Nothing —
She had no face

She had become
Merely a hand
Holding a mask
With grace

— Author unknown

Q&A between Mother and Son

Honest question and answer session between mother and son which I found on StoryCorps.

Description: In early 2006, 12-year-old Joshua Littman, who has Asperger’s syndrome, interviewed his mother, Sarah, at StoryCorps. Their one-of-a-kind conversation covered everything from cockroaches to Sarah’s feelings about Joshua as a son.

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

The Story of Cosmetics (2010)

The Story of Cosmetics, released on July 21st, 2010, examines the pervasive use of toxic chemicals in our everyday personal care products, from lipstick to baby shampoo. Produced with Free Range Studios and hosted by Annie Leonard, the seven-minute film by The Story of Stuff Project reveals the implications for consumer and worker health and the environment, and outlines ways we can move the industry away from hazardous chemicals and towards safer alternatives. The film concludes with a call for viewers to support legislation aimed at ensuring the safety of cosmetics and personal care products.

Larry King: Gay Bullying

Part 1 of 3



Part 2 of 3



Part 3 of 3

Project: It Gets Better

Chris Colfer, who both is gay in real life, and plays a gay teenager on the hit TV-show 'Glee', has an important message to all the gay youth out there: It gets better!

This is his personal message to everyone out there who is having a rough time:

"I know what it's like to be bullied and teased every single day and I know that it may seem like there is no chance of happiness left. But I promise you, there is a world full of acceptance and love just waiting for you to find it. So please before you take a drastic action that could be your last, call The Trevor Project."



In response to the sudden influx of gay suicides, cast members from the 2nd National Tour of Wicked tell their stories of how they overcame their teens to become the artists they are today. *The views expressed are not necessarily those of the entire Wicked cast, creative team, or franchise. Not all cast members seen in this video are gay.



Celebrities speak up

Breast Campaign in Singapore Bares

This article first appeared on Good Vibrations Magazine.

There is a new campaign in Singapore that is getting people looking twice at the exact body part intended for discussion… that’s right, the breast.

One poster looks like a woman pointing to a pimple on her face. If you look closer, you will see that the face is actually a painting on a woman’s breast, with the ‘pimple’ being the nipple.



On another poster, you have the nipples becoming the buttons of a pair of jeans of a somewhat big-bottomed woman.



In a third, you have a frontal view of a woman with one nipple being part of her hair accessory.



According to the news report titled ‘Ad campaign images provoke’ on September 5th in the Sunday Times, the creative director Thomas Yang and his team from DDB Singapore, who are performing pro bono work for the Breast Cancer Foundation (BCF), decided on this approach because of their insight of how women in Singapore “tend to be concerned about their faces or their hair and their weight but not so much about the things to do with life and death such as breast cancer.” Hence the tagline reads “Are you obsessed with the right things?”

As a sexologist and woman, I absolutely love this campaign because

1) It employs a contemporary and increasingly popular medium celebrating the beauty of the body (i.e. body paint) to get one’s attention.

2) It uses wit to engage the viewer and provoke a reaction.

3) It doesn’t dodge the issue. The breast is in your face. You look, maybe again and again, perhaps hypnotically at the bigger image, then the nipple, and then maybe at the feminine beauty of the model’s breast.

Above and beyond that, it is indirectly and possibly subconsciously campaigning against the extreme reactions or phobia we have revolving around images that has anything to do the female nipple. Take the example of the extreme public reactions to the exposed nipple of Janet Jackson – intentionally or accidentally. Or how Bebe Au Lait nursing covers has made its way into Singapore.

Founded in September 1997, the Breast Cancer Foundation (BCF) is a non-profit organization which aims to create breast cancer awareness, promote early detection, and provide support for those affected by the disease in Singapore. Their Facebook group is here. To support the cause of breast cancer awareness, check out your local Pink Ribbon charity.

Taiwan Woman to Marry Self

This article first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

On October 25th, a Taiwanese woman, Chen Wei-yih, was reported by Reuters to be set to marry herself at a cost of T$50,000 (US$1,623).

Uninspired by the men she’s met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honor of herself. She has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with thirty friends (whether or not the friends were encouraged to bring dates was not reported).

Apparently, her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan. This marriage is not considered legal and will not be registered. Chen said she will wed again when she finds a man later.

I love that she said: “It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition.”

In one move, she has:

1) Recognized the societal pressure to be married, and acknowledged its hold on her and other women alike;

2) Celebrated her individualism and worth as a person, as well as affirmed her love for herself;

3) Risen above societal expectations to generating something positive of her situation – standing up for herself and inspiring other women to have hope.

This brings to mind a quote:

“The most important relationship you have in the world is the one you have with yourself; everything and everyone is a direct reflection of the quality of that relationship.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Women in Asia, not just Taiwan, are marrying later as their economic status advances, fueling concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on economic development.

I applaud her strength and celebrate. I wish more women would think of such a commitment ceremony to themselves – honoring and celebrating their strengths and finding contentment with where they are.

Coming for Ladies in 2011

In February: Lady in Red

Just how do you prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and physically for a lifetime for eros? This workshop covers what any savvy women should know as well as physical exercises for you to get in touch with your body. Not only that, learn practical skills to guarantee that you will always be the leading lady in red in his heart!

Dates/ Time: Fri 11 Feb (7:30 – 9:30p.m.) or Sat 12 Feb (3 – 5p.m.).

Fee: S$30. Register via email at info@eroscoaching.com.

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In March: Being Real

Let’s get real and talk about what’s really bothering us women sexually in the bedroom. Just how do you overcome low sexual desire, pain during sex and problems with sexual communication? Taking charge of your sexual life involves getting real.

Dates: Sat 12, 19, or 26 March.

Time: 3 - 5p.m.

Fee: S$30. Coming for Ladies in 2011Register via email at info@eroscoaching.com.

An Introduction to Dr. Martha Lee

This post first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

This is my first entry as the newest blogger for Good Vibrations Magazine.

As the only Asia-born, -bred and -based sexologist (Singapore to be precise) for this magazine, I plan to comment on sexuality news in Asia, or all matters related to sexuality through my eyes. In so doing, I hope to offer a different and perhaps interesting perspective to readers.

To give you a little bit of background, I am not just of Singaporean nationality; I am Chinese by race; I am a daughter, sister and auntie. I am engaged to be remarried this December. I am a vegetarian by choice. I volunteer for causes I believe in, namely, women’s rights, sexual education and AIDS awareness in Singapore. Foremost, I am a woman, a feminist and proud to be all of the above.

Like most good little Asian girls, I did not grow up dreaming of becoming a sexologist. I wanted to be an actress. I dabbled in it as a teenager only to give it up, because I couldn’t envision myself being a successful one. (That, and the distaste of being told what to do, wear and how to look onstage.)

I was told I had a gift with words. I studied mass communication, went into public relations, and did so with some success for eight years. My divorce shook me out of my comfort zone. I became disillusioned with love, life, sex and money and the pursuits of same. I asked myself what I would do if I was not afraid: I started a non-profit helping young people in the area of career guidance. I was so busy doing the whole gamut for two years, from fund raising, volunteer recruitment, management, and document control to programs development, that I never really stopped to ask myself why I was not happy.

I called it quits and finally answered the question: what would I really do if I was not afraid?

I realized that I could have but did not work directly with the same young people I was trying to help. Deep down, I was afraid of being judged. I was scared of being thought arrogant enough to think I could be of help. Was I smart enough? What if being good wasn’t enough? Yet if I was not afraid, that is what I would be doing: working directly with the people I want to help. Managing a non-profit gave me satisfaction but not joy.

By that point, I had already been volunteer counseling for three years. I also had two degrees, one in communications and another in public policy, by then. What could consolidate all of my education, work experience, volunteer work, and interests? I saw a gap existing, where there were no real or positive conversations about sexuality in Singapore, not to mention a dire lack of support when it comes to sexual issues.

I researched and decided to pursue my Doctorate in Human Sexuality with the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California. I now have my own practice: Eros Coaching.

I do not think sex is the end all and be all. I do not think that sex is the most important thing in a person’s life. I do not think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. It can be for some people at some times in some relationships. I do think sex is one of the most important things that we can and should be talking about, because it can affect a person’s sense of self as well as well-being. Sex is more than just a physical act; it involves the body, mind, heart and spirit. Sex holds great possibilities for self growth and ecstasy.

I did not dream of being a sexologist. Yet sexology is everything I could dream of doing. I am honored to be a channel of compassion, hope, and positivity.

If you have any comments please feel free to leave them here. Thank you for reading.

Get a 15% Discount Voucher

It’s the season of giving, receiving and perhaps indulgence!

How would you like a 15% discount voucher off the products at U4Ria, a friend of Eros Coaching?

All you need to do is provide three names and e-mail address of your friends whom you think would like to be on the Eros Coaching mailing list to info@eroscoaching.com, and the voucher will be e-mailed to you.

Terms and Conditions: One voucher per email account; Other terms and conditions on the voucher will apply; Valid till 31 Dec 2010.

With a Bang

Only for ladies

Don’t let another year come and go quietly. Mark 2010 with a bang by attending this mini retreat for your soul. Get together with other women to reflect your learnings, celebrate your blessings, as well as prepare for 2011.

With sexologist Dr Martha Lee facilitating, you can be sure this is an interesting workshop that addresses your sexual life.

Choose one of four available dates: Sat 11 Dec, 18 Dec; 8 Jan or 15 Jan

Time: 1:30 - 5:30p.m.

Fee: S$40 only!

Register via email.

Sensuality in the Bedroom

Instead of the same old Christmas presents, how about adding some sensuality in the bedroom? U4Ria,a friend of Eros Coaching, is running a promotion for these items this Christmas.



Shunga Toko Lube

TOKO "Aroma" is the only lubricant on the market with absolutely no aftertaste. TOKO "Aroma" has been created with one thing in mind: a delicious candy taste to excite and guide your senses; and an ultra long-lasting silky smooth sensation to really feel your partner.



Shunga Massage Candle (Mid-range)

Ambiance with a romantic touch! Warm up your sensual massages!

The key to experience the ultimate sensual massage in comfort & warmth.

Light the candle, and let it burn and enjoy its fragrance for at least 20 minutes, a subtle aphrodisiac aroma will fill the room.

Extinguish and then pour the melted oil into the palm of your hand and gently spread onto the skin (the oil will be warm but not burning). Candles are all natural ingredients with no wax. May be used for massages, as a lip balm, skin moisturizer, excellent for dry skin.



Shunga Intimate Kisses - Aphrodisac Oil

Flavored, Sweet and Warming. This tasty treat is sure to delight both you and your lover; flavored and sweet, it also features a warming sensation to set the senses tingling when it is gently blown on or licked off.

Presented in a boudoir-worthy glass bottle, the jeweltone liquid inside looks as good as it tastes.



Shunga Massage Oil

Enjoy the pleasures of giving or receiving a massage using our exclusive blend of cold-pressed oil made from almound oil, grapeseed oil, sesame seed oil, avocado oil, vitamin E, essential oil safflower oil, extracts of ylang-ylang.

Depending on the fragrance, essential oil extracts from lavender, rose blossoms, peach blossoms, apple blossoms, orange blossoms, and vanilla.

These oils were carefully selected for their stimulating and energizing qualities. They slide smoothly and easily over your skin. No greasy feel. Plus, an exotic fragrance will bring your senses to peak pleasure.

More choices!

• Massage Candle by JimmyJane (High end)


• Pheromone Soy Massage Candle (For the budget conscious)


• How about a sex toy instead? Lelo Siri will be going on promotion!


• Last but not least, consider Zini Roae and Zini Deux!

Where to go: U4Ria @ #02-11A Midpoint Orchard (opp. 313 @ Somerset / MRT; next to Courts) T: 6738 7198. Call or sms hotline: 8228 9339 for enquiry. Biz hrs: Mon-Sat: 11 – 9pm Sun & PH: 12 – 8pm

*Note: Midpoint Orchard is still standing erected! Orchard Emerald has been demolished, NOT Midpoint Orchard.

Psst! Mention ‘Eros Coaching’ and get a discount!

Fancy being a Santarina this Xmas?

It’s not your mind playing tricks on you. The bedroom is warmer because you are heating things up with your very own Santarina outfit. Make this Christmas the one you rule as his Queen. Make your pick early. Don’t say I didn’t give you the heads up!

Where to go: U4Ria @ #02-11A Midpoint Orchard (opp. 313 @ Somerset / MRT; next to Courts) T: 6738 7198. Call or sms hotline: 8228 9339 for enquiry. Biz hrs: Mon-Sat: 11 – 9pm Sun & PH: 12 – 8pm

*Note: Midpoint Orchard is still standing erected! Orchard Emerald has been demolished, NOT Midpoint Orchard.

Psst! Mention ‘Eros Coaching’ and get a discount!

Messages against Bullying of Gay Teens

Ellen Degeneres speaks out about the recent tragic suicides among teenagers due to bullying.



Collin Farrell speak up against bullying of gay teens.



Kathy Griffin speaks out about the recent string of gay suicides.



Neil Patrick Harris, along with countless of others are now speaking out against bullying. Stay strong and stick in there, trust him and everyone else when they say; it gets better.