Visit to Condom Factory

Eros Coaching led a group to visit condom factory, Medical-Latex in Johor on Saturday 24 September.

This is a picture I took before entering the premises.

I do not have immediate plans to organise a second visit, but if you like to be put on the waiting list, please drop me an email at info@eroscoaching.com.

Sex News in Asia - 9/26/11

This article first appeared on Good Vibrations Magazine.

Asiahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

• Asia's women are catching up. A World Bank report suggests that women are gaining ground very rapidly overall – to the point where men may be feeling their assumed roles seriously threatened. The report does not actually say so but a high proportion of the laggards relative to their income levels are Muslim.


• Asia's baby shortage. Very little attention has been given to trying to reverse one of the two causes of rapid ageing – low fertility. Exhortation by governments to have more babies has scant impact. The part of the world often believed to be most dedicated to family values and generational continuity is facing twin challenges: extremely low fertility rates and an aversion to marriage.

Singapore

• Sex trafficking awareness ads from Singapore too graphic? How these layouts will do anything to help the cause is a mystery.


• Nanny states don't make babies, loving couples do. The Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports has allocated nearly $860 million - close to half its entire budget - to baby bonus and maternity benefits, childcare and other family development programmes. Since the first Baby Bonus scheme was introduced in 2001, the state has consistently dangled carrots to mint more mothers. And yet the fertility rates have continued their southward march


• Are risque orientation games sexist? They are oriented by the Singapore Institute of Management-University of London’s (SIM-UOL) orientation last month. Chinese daily Lianhe Wanbao said some girls were so affected that they burst into tears later.


• We are well into the 21st century and yet we still have remarks, commercials and policies that perpetuate gender stereotypes and sexist attitudes. So AWARE has created the Alamak! Award, an annual search for the most annoying, face palm, gut wrenching, you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me instance of sexism in Singapore.

Indonesia

• Breastfeeding regulations to target formula companie


• Governer tells women to avoid rape by not wearing miniskirts After a woman was raped and kidnapped by several men in a public minivan last week, what did Jakarta Governor Fauzi Bowo have to say? He asked women not to wear miniskirts. The governor also told women: “If you ride on an ojek wearing short pants or a miniskirt, do not sit like a man. If you sit sidesaddle, there will be no problem.” One of the governor’s duties, of course is to make sure that Jakarta is safe. However, blaming the victim is indeed far easier than offering concrete solutions, which would place more responsibility for action on him.


• Scores of women and children wearing colorful miniskirts and tight leggings gathered in central Jakarta, outraged by his comments that provocatively dressed women are to blame for sexual assaults.

China

• A Chinese man has been arrested on suspicion of killing two nightclub hostesses and keeping another four women as sex slaves in a basement dungeon, according to police.


• An erratic eel wriggled its way up a man's penis and into his bladder following an accident during an unorthodox beauty spa treatment in China.


• The dizzying laser rays in gay bars and the floodlights of a football pitch seem to be irreconcilably distant. One-Nil, the first gay football team in Hong Kong, attempts to bridge the two.


• Kaohsiung and Hsinchu will hold its second annual lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender pride parade and streetside Rainbow Festival respectively


• International martial arts icon and movie star Jackie Chan has shot his first bedroom scene, according to Sina sources.

India

• Following a tip-off, the police raided a gay party held in a bungalow in northern Mumbai early on Sunday and detained 133 people – including several celebrities – on the charge of indecent behaviour, two party organisers for not having the requisite liquor licence, and the DJ for not having the licence to play music beyond permissible hours.

View last’s week Sex News in Asia here.

Disclaimer: Some of these media reports may portray sex and sexuality in a negative light. I am merely re-reporting them and may not always agree with the reports or opinions expressed.

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexologist with American College of Sexologists with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.

Now... a Certified Sexuality Educator by AASECT

Besides being the only clinical sexologist in Singapore and certified sexologist by the American College of Sexologists, I am also now the only certified sexuality educator in Singapore by American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).

As a member of AASECT, I abide by their bylaws and code of ethics. For more about AASECT, click here. You can view my listing on their member directory here.

Introduction to Tantra by Uma

For her second trip to Singapore in Oct 2011, Uma will explore and explain the history of Tantra as a spiritual philosophy in ancient India and how it is as relevant, important, and meaningful today as it was in days gone by in "Introduction to Tantra".

Full details here.

Having Fun with Kissing Games

This article first appeared on HowtoKiss.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Did you know that the modern kissing practices between husbands and wives started in Ancient Rome? Back then, female Romans were fond of drinking homemade wines. Their husbands, in order to catch them, tasted the lips of their wives; thus, the act of modern kissing is born.

Here are a few fun facts about kissing:

• 
  
  Nose Kiss – Ancient Egyptians used their noses to kiss instead of their mouths.


• 
  
  20 to 30 calories – That’s how many you burn after kissing for one minute.


• 
  
  30 Facial Muscles – That’s the number of facial muscles utilised while kissing.


• 
  
  5,300 couples – That’s the estimated number of couples in the Philippines who were kissing simultaneously during ‘Lovapalooza’ on February 14, 2005.


• 
  
  31.3 hours – That’s the longest recorded time for kissing, set in 2004 by an Italian couple.


• 
  
  A Tsar’s kiss – This is reportedly the highest regard you’ll get in Russia.


• 
  
  Philematology – That’s the term for the art or science of kissing.


• 
  
  Kiss on the Hand – This is famous English etiquette, and planting kisses on both cheeks is a Continental European greeting even today.


• 
  
  Kiss on the ground – This is what the tribes of Africa do on the path after their chief has walked upon it.


• 
  
  278 bacteria – This is how many different types of bacteria you can acquire and transfer while kissing. (depending on what you last ate)

These are only a few of the many fun facts about kissing. Most people would agree that kissing is more special if the purpose behind the act is to convey the message of affection to your loved-one.

This article first appeared on HowtoKiss.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.

Book: Opening our Hearts to Men

Susan Jeffers has helped millions of people throughout the world overcome their fears, heal their relationships, and move forward in life with confidence and love. In Opening Our Hearts To Men she shares her own experiences, and offers wisdom, insights and practical advice on how to feel good about yourself and your relationships. Opening Our Hearts To Men is a book for every woman who wants to bring more love into her life. It will help you if: Your relationship is not working out in the way you had hoped. You want to develop greater intimacy in your relationships; You find it difficult to form lasting relationships with men; You are feeling lonely and unloved.

'Finally a book that doesn't make men the enemy, but offers women practical tips for creating the loving relationships we deserve.' - Barbara De Angeles, author of 'How To Make Love All the Time'

'Susan Jeffers has learned the secrets of creating and maintaining happy relationships, with ourselves and with men. 'Opening Our Hearts To Men' is a brilliant book and I wish I had published it myself. Those who are willing to look into the mirror of their lives will find the answers to their problems. This book is to be read and re-read again and again. It truly helps us to reshape all areas of our lives. Women, rejoice, Susan Jeffers is here to help us love ourselves.' - Louise Hay, author of 'You Can Heal Your Life'

'After a woman reads 'Opening Our Hearts To Men', she will discover a little magnet inside of herself that draws men to her... men who love... because she loves... challenging, honest, affirming... one of the few accurate self-help books on the issues of men.' - Warren Farrell, author of 'Why Men Are the Way They Are'

'Opening Our Hearts to Men' is a long-awaited major book to build bridges between the sexes instead of tearing them down. A fine, fine contribution to both men and women.' - Ken Druck, author of 'The Secrets that Men Keep'

'At last! A book that gives women permission to genuinely love themselves and, in the process, allows them to open their hearts to men.' - Tessa Albert Warshaw, author of 'Rich Is Better'

Order Opening our Hearts to Men for $28 (with local shipping) by emailing info@eroscoaching.com.

Table Of Contents

Acknowledgments
Introduction - The Tell-Tale Signs
1. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
2. Anger: How Sweet It Is!
3. Damned If They Do and Damned If They Don't
4. How Do I Judge Thee? Let Me Count the Ways
5. Always Right…But Never Happy
6. Why He'd Be Crazy to Open Up
7. But You Promised!
8. The Man Behind the Mask
9. Owning Our 'Magnificence'
10. Give Me a Higher Love!
Appendix A - Affirmations
Appendix B - Quotes to Remember from Opening Our Hearts to Men

Excerpt
Honor who you are. As I touched upon earlier, honoring the self and stepping into equality requires a certain clarity about what we want and acting in a way that is consistent with our desire. It means acknowledging what is true for us despite what men or other women judge to be good or bad.

I also mentioned the film Three Men and a Baby as being a breakthrough film in showing 'macho-type' men as nurturers. What mustn't go unnoticed is the breakthrough way two women in the film were portrayed. The grandmother refused to take the child off her son's hands even though he implored her to do so, and the girlfriend of one of the three men refused to be put in the role of babysitter for the child. In honoring who they were and not trying to make brownie points with the men, the women were able to support the men's discovery of the nurturing part of themselves, while maintaining their own integrity. What they learned to do was to say no. Not out of hostility, but out of integrity.

I must say that I am absolutely amazed at how difficult women find this to be. For example, I am a person who hates to cook and clean. For the twelve years between my two marriages, I always went out for dinner or brought food in and hired someone to clean my apartment. I certainly intended never to change this arrangement, even if I got married. Hence, very early into any new relationship, I would let it be known that 'I don't cook and I don't clean.' When I tell this to my female students, they gasp that I had the courage to do that. As one woman put it 'But you lose brownie points if you say you don't cook.' (Ironically, this was a woman whose primary focus was on her career!)

In order to honor ourselves, we have to stop worrying about losing brownie points that make us lose ourselves. We can't sell out anymore and complain that we are not equal. We must be who we are and maintain a confidence that we will find someone who loves the whole package. Not wanting to cook or clean… or not wanting to be a career woman… or whatever else we do or don't want to do… does not make us a bad or undesirable person.

The answer to honoring the self is to figure out what you really want and then live your life accordingly. We must make sure that we are not so needy in terms of relationship that we sell out our own heart's desire for a little security. Our grid of life must be filled with all sorts of wonderful things. We must believe in our own strength and not hold back because we think some man won't approve. This doesn't imply we need to be hostile to those who expect other than what we want to give. It only means we have to be clear and confident... and act accordingly.

About Susan Jeffers

Susan Jeffers Ph.D is a psychotherapist, public speaker, workshop and seminar leader. She is the author of many internationally-renowned books including Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Feel the Fear... and Beyond, Dare to Connect, The Little Book of Confidence, Embracing Uncertainty and Life is Huge. 

Read my book review of international best selling book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway® written by Susan Jeffers here. I am licensed to teach based on this book. Read workshop testimonials here and a longer personal account here!

Order Opening our Hearts to Men for $28 (with local shipping) by emailing info@eroscoaching.com.

Media: Stop Trying So Hard

This article first appeared on PublicHouse.sg. I caught up with a girlfriend of mine, Vanessa Chow, some weeks ago. Like me, she is a sexuality educator but she is based in Hong Kong. I lamented about all the things I was dissatisfied with in my life. After listening at length (and very patiently, as I probably went on and on), she remarked about how similar we were. She saw how hard I was trying to take care of the people around me, and my efforts to make them happy, and just how exhausted all that was making me.

She shared that she was, and probably is, the same way. A first-born child, like me, she was given the responsibilities, early on, of both taking care of her younger siblings and helping with the family business. Brought up to be an overachiever, she only knew that to try was to try hard. After all, if you want something, why wouldn't you work hard for it? And, surely, the harder you work for something, the higher your chances of getting it?

For the longest time, she could not understand what the phrase "letting go" referred to. When she was learning to practice yoga, she finally started to understand what the concept meant. At the beginning of her training, she was very awkward and found it extremely difficult to attain certain positions. With time, she realised that she had to be relaxed, otherwise her muscles would be too "stiff", rendering the positions impossible. When relaxed, she could achieve some positions much more easily. And not only that, when she used her mind to consciously will her body to relax further, she was able to stretch even more. It then dawned on her that life, like yoga, can be better if she just let go of some of the control she felt she needed and simply allowed things to happen in their own time. So, she learned not to "try" too hard, to let go and just be.

Indeed, Robin Sharma, the famous leadership guru, says in his book The Greatness Guide that success is the result of a delicate balance between making things happen and letting things happen. He suggests that if you've tried everything possible to realise an outcome and it just hasn't worked out as planned, to stop trying so hard. I believe that "trying too hard" is not just an "Asian thing". It has been ingrained in us that we need to work for anything worth having – whether it is our studies, at work, or in a relationship. How about being smart about it all? Or, pausing to enjoy what you have? Should something that comes easily intrinsically not be as valuable or worth having?

We are told we need to "work" at our relationships. What's the fun in "working" relentlessly? At times, in our culture, it feels as though that, should there be nothing that needs "working on", something is actually wrong in our relationship. We cannot just relax and enjoy ourselves, in our relationships, or even during sex, because we should be "working" hard at improvement or making things correct.

Some of my work involves teaching couples to see the good in their relationships, to take the "job" or "work" out of their sex lives and to have fun in the bedroom again. Sometimes, it involves breaking things down into smaller steps to make learning or re-learning about pleasure more attainable. I also coach couples about relaxing, being aware of the sensations within their bodies, and staying present within the moment. It seems like common sense, but when we are too busy second-guessing our partners and trying to give them what they want, we cannot focus on what we want and what feels good. In short, trying so hard can sometimes be counter-productive. Relax. Let go. Enjoy.

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexologist with American College of Sexologists with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.

Before You Say Yes to Nude Photography

This article first appeared on NudePhotographySingapore.com.sg.

 

Are you suitable for nude photography?

It is more important that

• You possess self-confidence.


• You own a degree of comfort with your body. Very few of people in the world have “perfect” bodies.


• You are at peace with the thought of nude photography.


• You are an individual with the enthusiasm to explore different perspectives and techniques and committed to producing better results, rather than be a wooden, even if perfect, mannequin.


• You are willing to work on being fluid and graceful in these motions.


• You understand the concept behind what your photographer is trying to do so you are able to co-operate and collaborate.

Before the shoot, you may wish to:

• Discuss your objectives and decide on a theme with your photographer.


• Apply for the day off work so you can be unrushed during the shoot.


• Exercise moderately so you are in optimal shape.


• Receive ample rest.


• Drink plenty of fluids so your body is hydrated.


• Wear lose clothing and possibly no underwear as strap marks into the skin can take a long time to subside and may affect the final shots.

This article first appeared on NudePhotographySingapore.com.sg.

Melissa's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

My first time was with my boyfriend of two years. We were both 19 years old. We met in an organization in college, we were friends at first and then he asked me out. I was some what conservative and a very shy person. That is why it took us about a month into our relationship to kiss for the first time. We talked about having sex but I wasn't ready so we decided to wait for the right time.

Fast forward, we were celebrating our second year anniversary of our relationship when we talked about sex again and I was ready this time. My boyfriend planed a very romantic dinner at his place, then after, we went his room and laid on his bed. We were just kissing at first, Then started taking off our cloths. I was very nervous and scared and felt very awkward. He entered me, and I bled a little but it didn't exactly hurt much. There were some uncomfortable moments but it wasn't that bad. Afterward we just coddled because we made love for the first time. I felt very relieved that it was over.

Now we are engaged and are planning to get married right after we graduate from college. I love my fiancee so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm so glad that I waited for the right guy and the right time to have sex. It has definitely made our relationship stronger and I feel more comfortable.

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Sex News in Asia - 9/19/11

This article first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.

• Local comedian Kumar has finally come out of the closet.


• The Online Citizen: The recent remarks made by Mr Lee Kuan Yew during the NTU Ministerial Forum 2011 and the corresponding response by the audience remind us that we are still rather backward and mired in the past.


• AWARE disagrees with Mr Lee. The stark choice between motherhood and professional advancement presented in Mr Lee Kuan Yew's comments to Ms Joan Sim is not new. These views contradict the recent statements by Minister of State for Community Development, Youth and Sports Halimah Yacob to the United Nations Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (Cedaw) that gender equality is central to Singapore's socio-economic growth and that 'maximising the full potential of every individual, male or female, is a priority'.


• SEA Youth Say So: “Do you have a boyfriend?”


• Yahoo! News: Lee Kuan Yew’s 30-year concern, The government's response to the low rate of births has been to introduce various measures to incentivise baby production - mostly to no avail. Perhaps as a desperate last-resort measure, it chose to open the doors to immigrants in order to top-up the numbers. Underlying the concern and the tweaking of policies to increase or decrease the population is of course one of economic survival.


• For their university orientation, these girls had to lie flat on the ground while their male schoolmates leaned over them.


• Employers asked to remove CCTVs from maids' rooms. More employers are wiring up their homes with closed-circuit television systems (CCTVs) to monitor their maids, but at least two maids have raised questions about the invasion of privacy.

China

• A South African court has blocked the government from buying 11 million female condoms from China, saying they are too small


• Four contestants are in the running to be Mr Gay Hong Kong 2011. Online voting is open from now till Oct 15.


• Li Yang, one of China's most flamboyant celebrities has admitted to beating his American wife, in a case that has shone a rare spotlight on the country's widespread problems with domestic abuse.


• A television show in China has been slammed for its demeaning makeovers to make women "pretty" and "perfect".


• Photos and videos of Shanghainese women undressing and changing their clothes on the train have surfaced on the Internet.


• Sex and love compulsory college course. A psychological course, including sex and love, will be compulsory for university students starting this September, according to the Ministry of Education. The ministry asked universities nationwide to develop a compulsory mental health course for students in all grades in June this year.

Korea

• Korea plans to propose talks with Japan this week to discuss the issue of Tokyo's sexual enslavement of Korean women during World War II.


• Korean women use invention to jump over gender gap. Lee is among the small number of Korean women who are doing something not usual in the male-centric Korean business world - taking their careers into their own hands through invention. And surprisingly, many of these new inventors are housewives.

India

• Sexist taint on Karnataka tinsel town: Actress banned for 3 years from movies for 'affair'

View last’s week Sex News in Asia here.

Disclaimer: Some of these media reports may portray sex and sexuality in a negative light. I am merely re-reporting them and may not always agree with the reports or opinions expressed.

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexologist with American College of Sexologists with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.

Rachel's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

I was my senior year in high school and I was the only one of all my friends that was still a virgin. Looking back on it, I think that made me feel pressure to have sex. I thought it over and decided to “do it” with someone I was friends with. That was definitely a good decision because I knew we would always be friends and I didn’t have to deal with any heartache.

My parents had gone away for a week, leaving me and my sister home alone. I invited my friend over and I don’t know if he had anticipated what was about to happen. He wasn’t a virgin, but he knew I was.

There was no talk about “doing it” ahead of time but I guess we both just went with the flow. I had heard stories of it hurting the first time, but also heard stories of the pleasures. So with that I was a little scared, but I figured “what the hell” it would have to happen eventually. Then it happened! It wasn’t as romantic as I imagined, but maybe it was because I had no idea how to “do it.”

The very first insertion of his penis into my vagina was pretty painful, but after that it wasn’t as painful. Being so scared and unsure of myself I did not achieve an orgasm, but he (being semi-pro at it) did get satisfaction. Of course I couldn’t wait to tell all my friends about it, but what was I going to tell them…that I was scared, unsatisfied and the experience wasn’t what I expected?!?!

So I lied; told them how great it was and couldn’t believe what I had been missing out on all this time. Me and my friend continued our friendship “with benefits” on and off for several years. After time “doing it” got so much better and I started to feel more comfortable.

Then I wanted it all the time…is that normal for a woman?!?! Even if it wasn’t normal, my friend certainly wasn’t complaining. We would “do it” in my car, in corn fields, or any other spot we could find privacy. I definitely do not regret the who, what, where, when or how I lost my virginity… as a matter of fact I couldn’t have chosen a better person to share the experience with.

The only advise I would give to someone who’s still a virgin is to stay a virgin as long as you can and when you do “do it” make sure it’s with someone special… the memory of your first time will be one of the few memories you will always remember and the worst thing would be having a regretful memory, so make it special!

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

2nd Anonymous Lady's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

It was in Singapore, in February, during our honeymoon. My husband was 28 years old and I was 26 years old. It was damn good and satisfied my curiosity. I lost my virginity to my husband.

My husband is the first man and the only man I have ever been had sex with, and I do not regret in that decision even one little bit. Some people believe that you should only have sex once you are married. I am into that category and I stick to that decision. We believe that sex is the most intimate act you can share with another person and it should not be taken lightly, and the best sex is when we have a loving, committed relationship.

We took almost three months for our true love to begin and grow. I was very nervous, but looking back now, his love and patience made it special then, and every time since. It is now eight years of long bonding and continuing. Virginity lost offers a way into life’s most intimate and significant sexual moments, always to be remembered. Of course, experiences vary.

Initially, it was mechanical and uncomfortable. We loved the fun in sex because we know how to pleasure each other. Finally that day come. We started kissing each other. He had different ideas in mind about what do with a naked woman. He had me propped up against the wall, legs open and thighs up, and he was fingering me, with one, then two fingers and he was pressing the wrist against my vagina. Then he tried to penetrate me.

He was very heavy, he pushed, and it hurt like hell. He wanted to stop, but I told him to keep going. I remember he kept asking me and asking me was I okay with this and that it would probably hurt since I was a virgin. Surprisingly it did not hurt much. He is a very good lover. We did it with him on top of me and he said it would make it easier. Eventually he got inside me and started thrusting. He was incredibly gentle with me and it was not great enough I think. We had some big expectations.

Sex gets better with practice. Moreover, with consistent practice, we learnt to make the result FIREWORKS! I remember saying to him, "So that's what an orgasm is supposed to feel like!"

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Workshops by Uma in Oct

For her second trip to Singapore in Oct 2011, Uma will be conducting some never-before sexuality education workshops.

Full details here.

Media: The Tribulations of a Sexologist - Part 2 of 2

This article first appeared on PublicHouse.sg.

This article is a continuation about some of the tribulations I face as Singapore’s only certified sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality. You can read part 1 here.

By way of introduction, my work involves working with individuals or couples with sexual concerns, as well as promoting positive messages about sex and sexuality in the numerous talks and workshops I conduct. Essentially, I run a one-person coaching practice with limited outreach, and I do not possess a big marketing budget; so, when starting my practice I decided to make a concerted effort to contribute articles to various media outlets, where and when I am able to. Published articles give me publicity, enhance my credibility, and, more importantly, spread the much-needed messages about sex and sexuality I want to convey.

I do not feel I am a good writer and, in fact, writing does not come easily to me. My husband, who happens to be a professional editor, helps fine-tune the language used in my articles. What I am unable to communicate in words, I try to relay through my heart and passion for my work, and I have been told my writing is often effective. Imagine my surprise, then, when I was told by a parenting magazine in a one-sentence e-mail: “Just wanted to let you know, I had to change the part about oral sex as on consultation with a senior editor, I was advised that it’s not appropriate to talk about it in the magazine”.

Needless to say, I was not going to take this lying down: “Does your senior editor realise that oral sex is legal in Singapore for a few years now? I haven’t had any issues talking about oral sex with any publication…. Please speak with your senior editor again. If it cannot appear in entirety, my choice is to withdraw my article rather than have it edited”. (my edit)

I never received a reply, and I believe the article was subsequently published without my consent (which is why I will never work with them again). I was not being paid, and there was no respect of my rights as a contributor.

I have also met with problems trying to secure venue space for giving bigger workshops. In one particular case, I had already performed my due diligence of viewing the rooms, checking the organisation’s rules and regulations, and, knowing I was ready to make my booking, I had even brought my cheque book to pay any necessary deposit. Instead, upon my arrival at the venue, I was directed into the office of the centre manager (whom I happened to know personally).

I was puzzled when she had me sit down with her. Surely this was a routine procedure her staff could have handled? She began, “Martha, I wished your company name wasn’t Eros Coaching. I wished your job title wasn’t clinical sexologist. I wished your company said something along the lines of couples counselling or relationship coaching. Anything but…”

I was shocked beyond words. This was coming from a friend (I thought), a feminist, and someone I thought was enlightened. I sat there, numb – not believing what I was hearing, and what was even worse was the accusative manner in which she was speaking to me – as if I was some disreputable person off the street.

She repeated herself, using the exact same words as above, as I stared at her.

Finally, enough was enough. I gathered enough of my wits to respond in a firm tone, (even though what I actually wanted to do was shout at her), “(Her name), I am not going to apologise for my company name, or my job title, or what I do. I have helped enough people to know that I am good and professional at what I do. If this is about my company name, or my job title, or what I do, then I suggest you change the topic.”

I could see she was visibly startled. She explained that her hands were tied since she is accountable to her board and their building was on state land. Wasn’t this a decision her board, not her, should be making? I didn’t implore. There was no need. She wasn’t going to help by any means and she never will. We exchanged some pleasantries, and I left – I was shaken, and then, later, sad.

Later that night I recounted the episode to my husband, and he replied: “You know why she said that, right?”

“Why?” I asked.

“She wanted you to blame yourself for inconveniencing her… she wanted you to believe that somehow it was your fault for even making her make the decision.”

“But it really wasn’t her decision to make… she is supposed to consult with the board,” I wailed.

“I know. In a way, you should take it as a compliment. She was sufficiently threatened to think you could actually hurt her job.”

So, here I am, finding myself going this way and that, not knowing where to turn or go, at times. I continue to meet with people who say the darndest things about my work, and me. I take it all in stride. I soldier on because sex does matter, and someone has to make a stand.

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexologist with American College of Sexologists with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.

1st Anonymous Lady's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Losing It To The Wrong Person
This Isn’t How I Wanted It To Be

This will be the first time that I am going to tell this story. First, I am not proud of what had happened to me. I hated it and I felt that I became my parent’s shame; I stopped school and had cut all the connection that I had with my friends and classmates. After 10 years, I can now say that I am ready to reveal my story, not just because I have moved on but because I want others to learn from what had happened to me.

I was 17 and I was in high school – this is the time where all my classmates were beginning to have boyfriends and girlfriends. I on the other hand was still shy around boys and I can say that I am a little bit boyish too. Unlike my friends who had suitors, I didn’t have guys lurking around me. Maybe the reason is because I am a little bit chubby and they say that I have an intimidating attitude. Deep inside, insecurity fills me; I wanted to be wanted and to know the feeling of being courted. So then I met this guy, he was a transferee on our school and from what I have heard, he stopped school a year before because he eloped with one of the students and he got her pregnant. To cut the story short, we became friends and he always wanted to accompany me in doing the groceries for my mom and he kind of courted me, before I knew it, he was my boyfriend. That was July of the year 2001 and of course he was the one to first introduce me with my sexuality. He brought me in the local cemetery and then he tried kissing and petting me. Of course my curiosity, thrill and being young has taken its toll on me and I was beginning to like what he was doing. I began to cut classes and everything he does excites me.

I was sickly and he often gives me “paracetamol”, well that is what he calls it though it didn’t came in a package, rather he just gives it to me. It’s white that has green specks on it and being innocent – I took it. Then came the situation that he wanted to elope with me – without any doubt I agreed. He said that I need to take money and jewelries from my home so we can start our life – I did. While he didn’t bring anything – saying that his parents worked hard for them. We went to another city and that night, we checked in a local hotel. I felt like it was a dream, we kissed, touched and played with each other. When he tried to insert it for the first time, the feeling was like a knife slowly cutting my vagina. It hurts that I cried, and while some stories say that after a few pumps that it will be okay? That is not true – we had sex 4 times and it still hurts. We found a very small and dirty apartment and we lived there, he actually enjoyed blowjobs but I didn’t. I felt like I was being forced to do it but I had no choice. I felt dirty, poor, ugly and hopeless. We had nothing to eat and I had rashes all over my body. The point came that I was hallucinating, having chills and high fever. Good thing I was able to contact my parents and they rescued me. I was hospitalized and was treated for pneumonia.

It hurts that that experience should have been special, not something that I can’t even talk about. It became something that I regretted and I hated, it came to the point that I wanted to erase that memory. Though, through the years I have learned that I would not be where I am now if that experience didn’t happen to me. I would not learn how important my family is, I won’t be able to meet my true friends and my now fiancé if it weren’t from that event. So now, the lesson that I have learned is for us not to be too trusting, don’t take medicines if you don’t know what it is and do not to let our emotions get in the way and for whatever decision we would make, we should be able to deal it with and know the consequences.

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Brooke H.'s Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

My first time was not magical as one might like to think it should be. I was eighteen years old. I met a guy online from Canada, and we had been talking for a few years. He was very sweet. He made me feel special in a way that no one else ever did, so of course, I fell for him.

One day, we decided it was time to meet in person, so we set it up. It was October when he hopped the bus to come to North Carolina. It was quite the trip for him. Three long days he rode, weary of whether or not I was who I said, and I felt the same. I went to the bus station to pick him up with a few of my friends just to be safe, and there he was.

He was very handsome. He had dark hair and brown eyes. His body was strong, and he was real! I couldn’t believe it. We crashed into each other like waves on sand! We all rode back to my house, Chris and I hand in hand. My friends in the back seat were relieved to see that I had not just picked up some psycho cyber rapist and took a liking to him immediately.

One by one, my friends dispersed from my house until finally we were alone. He did not hesitate. He kissed me hard as we undressed each other. We did not pay too much attention to where we were going, but we did eventually end up in my bedroom.

He laid me down on the bed and started kissing my body, and it seemed like wherever his lips were felt like heaven. Once he had kissed all the way down my neck, arms, and torso, he landed between my legs. My body was quivering hoping he was about to do what I thought. He placed his lips on my thigh, teasing me. He knew what I wanted, and he wanted to torture me for it. So he kept kissing and licking so very close, every once in a while he would blow onto my clitoris, a teasing gesture. And then, it happened, he buried his head deep between my legs and I could feel his tongue getting familiar with every inch of my vagina. He was very good.

I finally had my first orgasm, but he was nowhere near done. He pulled me up on top of him and handed me a condom. I rolled it onto his erect penis and he instructed me to “get on”. I was afraid of this. This was my first time. I had no idea what I was doing. He grabbed my hips and gently lowered me on top of him. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would. Perhaps all the years I played softball helped with that. I began to ride him, but I couldn’t find a rhythm. Chris put his hands on my hips again and guided me, showing me how he liked it.

Before I knew it, I was on my back again. Chris had flipped us around and was now hovering over me. I could feel the deep pleasure I didn’t know was possible. He started slowly, but neither one of us really enjoyed that. Gradually, he sped up. He was pounding away at me so deep and hard I could barely take it. I felt my body start to shake and I had a feeling like none other. It was like I was about to explode. I was practically screaming with deep pleasure, and then it happened. The first time I ever had complete relief. I felt limp and my legs were shaking. I could feel how flushed my face was so I started to giggle.

I suppose he came at the same time as me. He pulled off of me and grabbed me in his arms. We laid there for a few minutes not saying anything. It was nice, but with everything that just happened, I needed a shower. He decided he needed one as well, and that is when I had my first shower sex experience.

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

 

Kris' Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

We all go out and try to look for that someone to lose our virginity to. There are some who would seek to find that special person to share this one- of- a- kind memory with. There are also those people, who try to lose it just for the sake of avoiding being called a “virgin”.

If you are the one of the latter kind, then you might think of my story as funny and a bit exciting. But if you are one of those more conservative types, then let me just tell you that you might get something out of this story.

On the night I lost my virginity, I was out on the town looking for some friends of mine so we could go drinking. As we all got together, every single one of them did not want to take even a single shot. They said that they were out drinking so much the previous night that they still had hangovers. Despite all of my endeavours, none of them were willing to change. Well, not until they saw “her”.

There was this girl on campus that a lot of the guys found cute. She was friendly and got along well with the guys. So when we all saw her, one of my friends ask her to join us for a bottle of rum at one of our apartments; she agreed without a second thought.

So now the four of us (the girl, two guys, plus me), bought some rum and went to my friend’s apartment. There was nobody else in the apartment except for our group so we went up and started to drink in one of the bedrooms. I, whose sole intention was just to get wasted, had no idea what the two of my friends were up to. The next thing I knew, the shots stopped coming and we were all just staring at the ceiling. When one of them suggested turning off the lights; that was the time I suspected things would go a bit out of hand.

After hitting the lights, clothes suddenly flew from the bed and unto the floor. My two friends were already up all over the girl, groping this and that. I decided to join them by going for the girl’s mouth to get a blow job. After a few minutes of foreplay, one of my friends was now started to bang her, while to two of us, were left just staring at his naked rear end.

I was the last one who got a taste the girl. I did not find it any bit special as I hoped it to be so I finished up quickly. As soon as I was done, the girl grabbed the first who was done and started another round with him. She then moved on to the second guy, this time she was now on top.

As I said I did not find it that exciting, so I skipped on the second round.After everyone was done, and got dressed, we went down and talked. As the conversation went from quality to quantity, we found out that the girl had already slept with about 50 other guys before us. The three of us were then thinking about the high possibility of getting STD’s.

Later on the week, I found out that the two other guys had gotten gonorrhoea. Luckily for me, I did not last that long with her, so the bacteria probably did not get to me that much. In the end, I was part loser and part winner. I am a winner in the fact that I did not get any disease out of that four-some experience. I am also a loser since I was not able to share that special occasion with a person that I love.

So here is a word of caution to all of you who are planning in losing your virginity before a specific time period. Try to lose it with someone special, and if you just had to have sex, then make sure you don’t go home regretting your first time because of a disease you got from your partner (or partners in my case).

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Carlos' Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

My name is Carlos and I lost my virginity at the age of seventeen. It happened when I was still a freshman in college back in December, 2002 when my cousin’s friend came by our boarding house in Manila, Philippines. It was three days before Christmas and we held a farewell party because the next day, we’ll be returning to our own provinces to spend Christmas. For me, it was the saddest day ever because my girlfriend just broke up with me that morning. She told me that she was cheating on me for several months, not with a guy but with another girl. I didn’t know that she was a lesbian. It suddenly made sense to me for the reason that whenever we’re together and see a hot girl, we would both give sexy comments about the girl’s looks and I was like, “Wow, my girlfriend is cool”. I was too blind and didn’t able to see the signs that could lead to a certain heartache.

Back to the party, my cousin’s friend was two years older than me. She’s really beautiful, has long hair, perfect skin, she can speak in five languages fluently, and her name is Jessica. I fell for her the minute she walked in the room. My cousin immediately introduced her to me and we hit it off right away. We drank a lot of liquors and partied all night.

It was three in the morning and a lot of our friends went home to get some rest before our flight at 9 am. She suddenly whispered in my ear and says that she wanted me the minute we were introduced. At first, I thought that she was just kidding and wanted to cheer me up because I told her about my ex-girlfriend. But after she whispered in my ear, she grabbed my hand and she dragged me to the bathroom. I guess she wasn’t kidding about what she said. She immediately took off my pants and my thing was revealed. When I told her that I was still a virgin, she suddenly became even wilder and ripped the shirt off my back. She told me that virgins excite her. We gave it a go and after a few strokes here and there, I came. My thing wasn’t even in yet. It was quite embarrassing that I came within a few seconds. She laughed at me but in my defense, it was my first time to see a girl that’s completely naked. After another few minutes, I was ready to go again.

After regaining my strength, I immediately put it inside her. It was the best moment of my life. We got into business after that but it was really hard to maneuver because the bathroom was really small. We went on for hours until suddenly, we heard a knock. It was my cousin saying that we should really be getting ready because the plane leaves in an hour. I can’t believe that it’s already 8 in the morning. We stopped right away and put our clothes on or in my case just my pants. When I opened the door, my cousin, along with a couple my friends are holding a banner that says: “Congrats dude for you are now a Man!!!” It was then that I realized that Jessica was a paid prostitute that my cousin arranged. No wonder she has great moves. I just thought that she just had a lot of boyfriends. After all was said and done, we packed our things and we all went home to our own provinces. That is one of the craziest things that have happened in my life. Now, I’m 26 years old, happily married and with a child on the way. That is the story of how I lost my virginity.


This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Mark's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

For someone who grew up in a predominantly conservative country where sex education in schools is highly heated up, I was no exception to the club of 26-year old virgins. I am Mark from the Philippines. I was raised in a society where premarital sex is a sin, where sex topics and discussions are taboo in the home, and where it is believed that virginity must be protected and be given up only in marriage. Despite everything, I have my own ideas on sex and virginity

And here’s how I first put my ideas in practice

On my first year as a professional and after going through a short-lived rocky relationship, I had a “text-mate” whose number was given to me by my brother-in-law. He took the number from a woman who was an officer-in-charge in a beauty products shop. After about a week of exchanging text messages with this woman, we decided to meet in McDonald’s. I was kind of nervous because it was my first time to meet a text-mate. I was so curious on how she might look like. At my age I was not used to dating women and I didn’t know how to approach a woman much less someone I would meet for the first time. So we met and had dinner. I told myself that I was lucky she was beautiful and she was a good company, too. At 5’ 9” she was taller than me by 6 inches! After exchanging pleasantries, we parted. Just like that! I was hoping that it would be a sex-on-the-first-date meeting, but I was shy and I didn’t know how to do that! Besides, I opted to show a good-guy attitude. I think all men go through this awkward feeling of asking a woman to have sex with him. Maybe that was the reason I had been a virgin for 26 years.

It was February a week after, so I exploited the romantic feeling that filled the air. I arranged to meet her in a classy restaurant. I bought chocolates for her. We had dinner and drank some light beers. Then, I offered to take her home. When we were in the cab, we kissed and kissed. I was so edgy the words were at the tip of my tongue: I want to spend the night with you; but I couldn’t say it! Suddenly we were near her house. Time was running out. I kissed her again. With all guts, I uttered ‘let’s not go home yet.’ And she got the cue from there. She asked me where to. I returned the question. And we both laughed. I shyly whispered to the driver to take us to a nearby hotel.

Anxiety always bothers first-timers. It was also my first time to check in a hotel. I felt tense having to ask for a room. When we got inside the room, history was written: I lost my virginity. I felt happy. I cherished every moment while we were doing it. At the back of my mind, I told myself ‘so this is how it’s done; it was not so difficult at all.’ In the Philippines, women in general feel a bit of guilt when they lose their virginity, but for men, and in my case, I felt complete. It was indeed like an initiation to the world of grown-up men.

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Sex News in Asia - 9/12/11

This article first appeared on Good Vibrations Magazine.

Asiahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

• The menace of HIV in Asia: Women account for 39% of all reported HIV cases, most of whom were infected by their sexual partners. The report stressed that with support from civil society, communities and development partners, governments have made steady progress in slowing the spread of the epidemic. But while there has been a three-fold increase in access to anti-retroviral therapy, the epidemic still is outpacing the response.

Singapore

• Started in 2009, the annual Pink Dot event has now gone to the other side of the world - in Utah in the United States, to be exact. The Utah Pink Dot campaign will culminate in a National Coming Out Day event on 11 October.


• Openly gay author and pastor Rev. Oyoung Wen Feng and his partner Phineas Newborn III are now legally married. Will the Singapore government recognise their marriage accordingly?


• Should Singapore accept the legality of prenuptial agreements?


• The highest ranking politician in Singapore thinks a PhD holder should stop wasting time and get a boyfriend quickly. Mr Lee felt the falling birth rate is the result of two reasons: Women getting educated and entering the workforce because couples find the cost of starting a family too high; and high housing costs. Addressing the student who posed the question - a single 27-year-old who is two years away from getting her doctorate - Mr Lee quipped to rapturous applause: "My advice is, 'Please don't waste time'. It's more important and more satisfying than your PhD. Good luck to you, I hope you get your PhD and your boyfriend."


• Lim Jialiang: Thoughts on LKY's comments. It's sexist isn't it. Plain and simple.


• Singapore's resident population will decline and become extremely aged if the Total Fertility Rate (TFR) is extremely low and if there is no in-migration. Another one is here.


• A pub singer from Mainland China has managed to get quoted by a China Press report for her declaration that Singaporean men are "arrogant, short and ugly" but she would still "marry one of them for their money".


• Armpits: To censor or not to censor? A woman dressed in a singlet reaches up for bananas, her armpits exposed to passers-by. Eyes are quickly averted, armpits censored. Onscreen, a message reads: “Do not wear tight and revealing clothes”.


• Boys still preferred over girls: These days, expectant parents daring to admit that they would prefer a son risk becoming pariahs. Such views are pretty much as objectionable as racism. But just because it could be socially taboo to discuss the topic in a more politically correct Singapore does not mean the age-old preference for sons is dead.

India

• A minor girl was set ablaze by two men for resisting sexual harassment in Bahraich district in Uttar Pradesh.


• Chanting to cure snakebites, claiming to be a reincarnated spouse to obtain sex and charging for miracles could soon be banned by an Indian state seeking to stop charlatans preying on the vulnerable.

Taiwan

• Liu Huang A-tao, the first Taiwanese woman to accuse the Japanese government of driving thousands of Taiwanese women into sex slavery during World War II, died on Thursday at the age of 90.

China

• Millions of Chinese women, and some men, woke on Aug. 13 to discover their spouse had, in effect, become their landlord.


• A surplus of males caused by preference for sons means that poor subsistence farmers in China have no chance of finding a mate


• The city's education authority has denied reports that Growing Steps is the city's first sex education textbook for primary and middle school students.


• Students voice support for Tsai’s gay-friendly policy. A group of mass communications students from Chinese Culture Universtiy yesterday voiced their support for Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) Chairperson Tsai Ing-wen’s (蔡英文) gender policy, saying that they plan to launch an online petition endorsing Tsai’s gender policy platform to encourage Taiwan to implement policies protecting gay rights.

Japan

• Japanese underpants burn calories in your crotch: Market for "functional underwear" tied to guilt-free beer consumption

Thailand

• The Thai military has agreed to stop labelling katoeys and male-to-female transgenders who are exempt from military conscription as suffering from a "permanent mental disorder" but instead having a gender identity disorder."


• World's sexiest accents: Because a foreign language can be the best aphrodisiac, we traveled the world in search of the 12 hottest accents. Thailand is on the list.

Bangladesh

• Bangladesh is celebrating 40 years of independence, but two sisters who were both victimized by massive, brutal war-time rapes are in no mood to celebrate. They say their lives have been ruined and perpetrators have never been brought to justice.

View last’s week Sex News in Asia here.

Disclaimer: Some of these media reports may portray sex and sexuality in a negative light. I am merely re-reporting them and may not always agree with the reports or opinions expressed.

Volk's Virginity Story

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Hello, please call me Volk, I am 23 years old, I come from Arabic and Russian heritage, I have been born a Muslim and living in a Muslim country.

After I finished the military school I was in, I went into college, I was 18 years old, I have never been with a woman before, nor did I ever kiss one…

I’ve spent my first 3 years attending university, playing video games 8 – 10 hours a day, it was basically world of war craft at that time, and I always envied guys who were successful with women, when I talked with women I had butterflies go into my stomach, and I become nervous, with no idea what to tell her or how to talk to her…

In those 3 years I had a girlfriend for 4 months, and she was the one who asked me to be her boyfriend, it was terrible, we did not even kiss in those 4 months, I was just too afraid to do any move, and we broke up because we lacked communication, there was no fun in the relationship, it was stale.

Then when I was 21, I decided that it’s enough, I have literally became sick of not being able to satisfy that area of my life, I started reading books on dating, books on how to be successful with women, have signed up for Gym, made friends with people who are generally good with girls.

1 year later, I was 22, in that year I tried everything with girls, I have started to be more talkative with girls in my university, and in my social circle, it was only scary the first time I tried things, I just had to force myself, I had nothing to lose.

In that year, I have been rejected by girls many times, girls seeing me as just a friend, or worse – seeing me as plain creepy or unattractive.

Then with some time, I have become more relaxed about it, I learned that I should be more open to sex, it was that secret eternal language that is ongoing between a male and a female, I did not notice it before, I was embarrassed by it… I thought it was Taboo, and something that girls would call me a creep for… or even society. I started to notice that society has always told us things that steer us away from our natural needs (Sex), and intimacy with the opposite sex, I acknowledged that my religious upbringing played a main role in convincing my subconscious that sex is NOT ok… So with time I began to see the puzzle, I started going out more, talking more with girls, hearing stories of friends who have sex on regular basis, I opened my eyes to the real world, I started gradually to steer away from the belief that sex is something bad with time and became more confident of myself sexually because after all, it’s the reason why there are females and males in the community, and not just some asexual race.

It was Summer 2010, when I was sitting with my buddies in my university, I was already comfortable talking with women, I knew a cute looking girl who I knew since probably a year, that day I just sat with her, chatted up with her for an hour and I suggested her to go get drinks in a bar with friends on the weekend. It was on. The weekend came, and I went to the bar, she came with her friend, we sat and talked for 2 hours, I was happy, I was in the moment, I was over the stage of being inside my head, thinking of bad things, thinking of being rejected, etc… I was just enjoying the present, it was a fun night, I flirted, I had strong eye contact, I was being totally myself, and not my old self, but more of a confident self who is a man, and a man who’s comfortable with his sexuality, on the way out she dropped me home (I live with my parents), right before I went out, I told her I need a kiss, and pointed to my cheek, she kissed me a good bye, and I went home.

2 days later, I invited her over to my house to drink some wine before we go out to that bar again, my parents were out that day, so we sat, drank some wine, talked for a bit… then 30 minutes later I knew that we should go out now, so I thought in my head “If I don’t do this now, I am never going to do it, and end up a virgin all my life” so I just kept looking at her eyes, and told her: You look like you want to kiss me. She smiled, that smile was the first key of my success, so I just went ahead and kissed her, we made out for 10 minutes, it was official, and that was my first kiss of my life… we had no time, so we went out to the bar, when we arrived, it was different… I felt confident as a man, I had that surge of sexuality in me, it was natural and oh it was so satisfying, the night went on, she had to go early so we called it a night.

1 week later I invited her over again for a drink before we hang out, she came to my house (parents were away again in the morning), I hugged her when she went in, we sat, drank and had fun… then the thoughts came into my head again “If I don’t do anything now, I am going to always fail in my life” so I just went in and out of the blue started kissing her, I kissed her neck rubbed all her back, it was great… then I lift her up and put her on the coach, we made out, I started undressing her, she only had her pants on, and she did not let me take them off for probably 5 times, then I asked her why? She said you don’t have a condom… it was horrible news, but I thought in my head, that’s better than nothing, so we just made out, I had my fingers down there for 30 minutes, then I took her hand and led her for a hand job, but to my surprise, I had a problem… I was not “Hard” enough, I was in my head, I made a big deal out of it, and I was worried… 1 hour later we just ended it, I could not orgasm but she did, we dressed up and went out for the night, it was normal.

The next day I saw her I thought of her like a girlfriend, because I still made a big deal out of sex in my head, so I treated her as such, within a few days she started avoiding me, and unlike my old self, I knew this was not leading anywhere, sex was not actually a big deal, but I made it like a big deal… so I lost that girl, and until this day we just greet each other normally.

Then winter 2010 came, I was with my buddies again in University, and I saw this girl, and since I became social with time, I just talked to her normally, she was sitting with a group of my friends… this time it was different, I felt like I was talking this secret language that I did not know before, I knew that girls enjoy sex as much as I do, so I talked with this girl for a week in university, we talked on skype, and later on phone… in that time I broke my foot at the gym, I had two crutches to walk with to the university, but that did not really stop me, I still talked with that girl, and found out that she really loved wine, 3 weeks later of knowing her, I told her I’d like to drink some wine, want to join me? She was more than happy to come, so she came over to my house (Again it was empty), sat next to me and we started drinking, this time I knew where I can go wrong and where I can be right, so while sitting I kept looking at her eyes, and lips, it was that secret language again… I offered her a hand massage, she told me you’re too soft on massage, let me show you instead, so she started massaging my hands and arms, it was on! I then learned to not by inside my head with time, and just enjoyed the present, the present of being turned on by a female and enjoy every small detail in her, so I took things slowly, I smelled her hair, she did not say a word, I kept smelling her for minutes, then leaning back for a drink, it was like a dance, I did not feel time anymore, I no longer cared if I was a virgin or not… I just played that natural dance everyone plays… I slowly leaned in at her, we made out for a long time, I enjoyed every detail of her body, I undressed her, she was shy, but she enjoyed it because I was not worried, I took it slow… then I told her to go to the bedroom she agreed, after some kissing and foreplay, I had my condom with me (this time I remember!) I put it on, it was all good, I was fully erected… until she asked me this: do you want sex? I replied with a 100% sure “YEAH”, but it all hit me again… I went back inside my head again, thinking about how I am not going to be a virgin now, I disconnected from being turned on and enjoying the moment.

I was making a really huge deal out of being a virgin in that moment, so I just turned her around for a “Doggy style” and as soon as I had my penis inside her vagina, I started losing erection, it was horrible again, I was worried if I would satisfy her or not, I was worried about how good this is and how I am going to lose my virginity… so she noticed later, and asked if she’s not attractive enough for me; she was incredibly hot in my eyes, but I was just way too much into my head and making a big deal out of this whole thing, so we stopped right there, and she had to go home because my parents were coming.

Two days later, and after spending probably 20 hours reading books about this new developed problem that I have, I have later figured out that it is all because I was making a big deal out of it, was too much into my head… I have invited her over again for coffee (Clever reason, I know) I hugged her, she came in, we made coffee, started drinking, then I just enjoyed the moment, I enjoyed being turned on by her, and enjoyed every feminine detail of her, I smelled her hair, I enjoyed making out with her (By the way, it took me 1 month to figure out how to become a good kisser, I was horrible at it), I undressed her, I no longer was in my head, I just enjoyed being turned on by a real woman, it was great, until the time came to start having sex, I had those small thoughts pinging in my head again, small worries of having that same experience I had before, so I was honest, and told her that I am virgin, and when a guy gets nervous he is not able to get a full erection, I said it without making it a big deal, I was totally calm and indifferent, she was more than happy to help me out, I relaxed on my back, she did her job greatly by turning me on, I went into the moment again, I got turned on and no longer thought of anything else other than the exact present I am in, because I put all my cards out straight, I told her what was worrying me, so I had probably the strongest erection I had in my life, I put my condom on, we had sex, for an hour, the first time I had an orgasm it took me probably 3 minutes, then I just told her “To be continued” without making it a big deal, the second lasted probably half an hour, I enjoyed every moment of it, as she did, that was the night I really lost my virginity, from that day and until the present I am no longer worried about sex, and I have been enjoying it until this day, as any real man would.

What I learned is that being a virgin is not a big deal, if you made it a big deal it will become a big deal, be honest about it, especially with your first partner – but make sure that you don’t say it the first time you meet the girl, say it when you’re intimate, to rid yourself of bad thoughts and being too much into your head.

Sex is the natural language between a male and a female, it’s that invisible energy that is always there between a man and a woman, it never goes away, unless you never notice it, enjoy it, it’s beautiful,.

This journey had changed me as a man, I had it difficult, but I did not give up, I hope this helps others as it helped me.

“Looks are never worth anything, it’s all about how you can project your real natural self towards others.”

This article first appeared on Virginity.com.sg, a micro site belonging to Eros Coaching.

Media: Hot and bothered about Sex and Making Babies

This article first appeared on PublicHouse.sg.

Answer the question below: Is a sexologist...

a) Supposed to be sexy?

b) Supposed to talk about sex only in the context of marriage?

c) Supposed to make sure a married couple has lots of sex?

d) Supposed to make sure a married couple who has lots of sex makes babies?

e) All of the above?

Let’s work through the possibilities.

Is a sexologist ...

a) Supposed to be sexy?

This should probably be the most obvious. Just as sexologists are no more expected to be sexier or more professional than anybody in the therapeutic or counselling professions, why am I always introduced as the “Sexy Dr Martha Lee”?

There appears to be an assumption that every woman enjoys being called beautiful or sexy. Or maybe, since I am a sexologist, and sexy is close to sexologist, I must want to be called sexy. Never mind that I would rather be recognised as a person, or as an individual with my own unique set of knowledge, skills and expertise. I am constantly sexualised whether I want to or not – never mind that I have never once been asked if it offends me – because this is a desirable trait.

b) Supposed to talk about sex only in the context of marriage?

When I did my first radio interview (in Singapore, most radio interviews are aired live), I remember the interviewer adding the words to my answer, “And of course you meant sex in the context of marriage”. Actually, I didn’t, but being too wet behind the ears media-wise, I fell silent and smiled meekly, too shocked to squeak a word in dissent.

We all know sex is certainly not happening between only the married. In fact, the lack of any real dialogue about sex has serious consequences for our young people. A survey in 2010 reported that sixty-one per cent of 200 sexually active young people between the ages of 16 and 19 surveyed in Singapore have had sex without contraception with a new partner, a 12 per cent increase from the previous survey done in 2009. And in 2008, Ministry of Health showed that 418 of every 100,000 people aged 15 to 24 had contracted a sexually-transmitted infection, compared to 213 in 1998.

So, while the interviewer was apologetic and explained she had to do so or the station might get into trouble, I wonder just what other kinds of messages the various media outlets in Singapore are not communicating which the public needs to know. With self-censorship, the more we worry about what is acceptable, the less we are actually serving the public.

c) Supposed to make sure a married couple have lots of sex?

Just as there are couples who are dissatisfied with their sexual lives, there are also couples who are perfectly happy with the lack of it. What others perceive as a problem is never one until it bothers at least one person within a relationship enough to seek external support. It is not my place to pass sentence on what is normal sexual practice or not, or impose my attitudes and beliefs about sex and sexuality upon anybody.

To me, while sexual well-being is part of the overall well-being of a person, it may not be to others, and I have no reason to judge – it’s their lives. Most of us would agree we want to be loved and to express our love – and sometimes, sex may not be part of that equation. However, sex can be extremely important to one’s sense of happiness, and my role is to be a coach, a guide, a friend and sometimes a facilitator, for those who wish to have such support.

d) Supposed to make sure a married couple who have lots of sex make babies?

It always puzzles me why some people purport that I am on some crusade to make married couples (presumably) have more sex so that they can have kids.

 

The reality is of the 12,000 births terminated every year, about half are done by married women (Channel NewsAsia, 2009). Doctors deduce that many people are not using contraception, or are not using them correctly. Why are women playing roulette with their bodies? Maybe the couples don’t know any better. Or, perhaps it was due to faulty use of contraception. Whatever the case, these supposedly “right” candidates are choosing not to carry the baby to term – because they do not want to, or for whatever reason, and it is not because they are not having sex.

For the record, I could never force anyone – married or otherwise – to do anything they do not want to. Just as there is nothing wrong with those who do not wish to have sex, it is also a personal choice whether a couple wishes to have kids, and how many.

Therefore, the correct answer is none of the above. What? That wasn’t one of the answers? Sorry, I guess it was a trick question.

A fellow sexuality educator and friend, Crystal Hill Nanavati (who is named here by permission), was the first to get the correct answer. She said: “I think a sexologist should provide information to people on sexuality (and sex-related health) without judgment or an agenda regarding marital status/ desire for children/ etc.”

Attributed sources:

Unprotected sex on the rise among Singapore youth (2010), Channel NewsAsia

More youths contract sexually-transmitted infections (2008), Channel NewsAsia

12,000 foetuses aborted in Singapore every year (2009), Channel NewsAsia